April 18, 2011

  • Again.

    So I had a fight with my Mom the other day. Again. About the same thing. Again. She can't help bringing up shit that happened 2 years ago, and I can't help but go hysterical everytime she does. It's true what they say - that when you do something right, it gets ignored, but do something bad, and no one fails to forget it.

    My Mom seems to think that what happened 2 years ago was entirely my fault. That I let it happen. That, in the words of James Ingram - 'I gave my best, but I guess my best wasn't good enough'. That I let him slip away because I wasn't a good enough girlfriend. That he chose someone else over me because I wasn't good enough. But I don't get it, what else could I have done more? I fought the whole world just to repair something that I did not break. And now it's my fault once again? How is this fair? Why isn't love enough?

    And to have to take this from my own Mother is heartbreaking as hell. How many times does she want to bring this up and rub it in my face? That was 2 years ago. I lived past it. We all did. I'm happy now. Shouldn't that be enough?

    I think at the end of the day, my Mom's angry not at what happened during the storm, but the aftermath. 'Cause I know for a fact that she went through the same amount of pain I did. Maybe worse. Months of being an intoxicated zombie was harder on her than it was on me. My Mom's angry because I let myself down. But I think she hasn't figured that part out yet. She's just angry.

    I love my Mom to death. And we seldom fight. But when we do, it gets really ugly. Crying, screaming and shouting at the top of our lungs. I won't put her through that again. She needs to understand that. I'll take full blame, but I can't keep having this same fight with her over and over again.

    And I don't know why this failure keeps haunting me. Granted that I was the one who harped on it for a long time. But now that I'm over it, it is still haunting me in every way possible. I made a mistake. I know. But aren't we all allowed to make mistakes?

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    “I fought for us, I fought with everything I had to be with you.
    I fought my parents, I fought my friends, hell.. I even fought with myself.
    Because everyone, including my better judgment,
    was telling me that I was going to get my heart broken.
    But I took a chance on you, I put my heart and my pride on the line.
    And they were all right.
    You never once fought for us, because you obviously never cared.
    So fuck you and your egotistical bullshit.”