May 9, 2013

• Somebody that I used to know.

  

  As a kid, we outgrow shoes, clothes, toys, even food. Something that once felt so dear to us suddenly becomes redundant. The old makes way for the new. I have come to realise that as adults, it really isn't all that different. Except this time, we outgrow people. And relationships. 

  A revelation that came to me some weeks back cannot stop rippling through my head. There's a level of toxicity in maintaining hard-to-reach friendships. I guess we do outgrow each other. I think it's really no one's fault. Time changes us. What helped us to click some 10 years back may not even be relevant now. So what do you do? Hold on and hope for the best? Or do you let nature take it's course? 

  I'm starting to understand that holding on to something so utterly helpless just makes you self-conscious and miserable. Though you would've thought that I would've figured that out a long time ago. What can I say? Old habits die hard. 

  I'm not sad or anything. I've become very numb. And I think that's what time does to you. I'm glad I rode it out though. At least I know I tried. I don't feel empty or the least bit of regret. If anything, I'm not upset our friendship is dying. I'm just upset because you're not doing anything to save it. At this point, I'm done trying. If you still want me in your life, let me know. Otherwise.... bye. 

   

  Yet on the other hand, there are some things that are out of your hand. How lucky we would be if we held the final key to every relationship. In some cases, you get to close the door. In other cases, you have the door slammed in your face. And that is the one I cannot take. That tears me apart. The fact that I ruined something so dear to me, and now I can never have back.

  Losing someone you trusted all your secrets with is like losing an arm. So here I am. Armless. 

  It's been a good 3 years since we had a decent conversation. I feel like I don't even remember who you are. Though that is possibly true. After all, we've both changed tremendously. We once promised to be at each other's wedding, no matter the circumstances. Somehow that seems unlikely to happen now. What have I done? 

  You're happy now. Possibly happier than you have ever been. And I'm happy for you. You deserve it. I just have a tiny bit of hope that whatever hate that was there before has now turned into a somewhat happy sigh. After all, weren't we so childish and immature? Why does it matter now though? 

   

  I may have made it rain
  Please forgive me
  My weakness caused you pain
  And this song's my sorry

  At night I pray
  That soon your face will fade away

  • 10:26 am
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