You know what, here's what I think: at the end of the day, I think some women are just born shitty mothers, and some were natural born mothers, no matter how they grew up or how old they are.

Baby fever at an all time high. I mean, I've always had baby fever, but this time around, it's on a whole new level.

I've always considered myself very good with babies. I don't even know why. Over the years, I've acquired a lot of knowledge about them - all kinds, from their behaviour, to how to feed, nurture, and educate them. I've always had a particular interest in babies. Any shows or documentaries with babies fascinate me.

A few years ago, I spent most of my extra waking hours watching 'Jon and Kate Plus 8' - just because I was fascinated with their children. I love the Gosselins. Kate is bossy as hell, but I learnt a lot and respect her parenting style. It's not easy having 8 children, and she managed it without going insane. And her kids are beyond adorable.

Most recently, I've been watching 'itsjudyslife' on youtube. I've been following Judy and Benji's daily vlogs for years. I discovered Judy first through the beauty community on youtube. I always thought she was one of the better beauty/makeup gurus on youtube, and she was my favourite. She was very real and I felt like I could relate to her. And then I discovered her daily vlogs. I started watching her vlogs since Benji and her were still a dating couple. Then I watched Benji propose to her, they had the most amazing wedding, then they got pregnant and had little Julianna Bear, moved to a new house, and now they have twin baby girls - Keira and Miya! It's amazing. And Judy is pretty much my idol. I adore the relationship she has with her husband, and it is something I look up to. I also respect her parenting style and I think she is a supermom who manages to do everything, and still spend time on herself, making herself look beautiful. She is the kind of mother I aspire to be in the future.

Anyways, back to my baby fever.... You know how some people were just born with a certain talent, or born to be certain things? Like, you can say someone was born to be a singer, or a doctor, or an artist, or a swimmer etc. I never really figured out what I was 'born to do'. As a matter of fact, I think I was born to be a mum. That's my calling. People were born to be writers, and lawyers etc, and I was born to be a mum. I believe I have the ability to be a good mum. And I crave it so bad.

I feel depressed sometimes because I feel like it's something I'm being held back from. It's like if a singer isn't allowed to sing, or a writer not allowed to write. That's how I feel. And I crave it so bad. I have always wanted a child. I think that is the only thing in my life right now that will fulfil me.

And yet I see people around me who take parenting and motherhood for granted. How can you be so cavalier? A child is a gift. A blessing. It makes me so angry to know that these people have a child, when they don't deserve it. And yet I am here with nothing.

I know that may sound so dumb to some, but I just feel it in my bones. And I sometimes cannot believe that I don't have a baby now for me to look after and nurture. I feel like I'm being held back.