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We don't need to think about the future.
We have right here, right now.

And this is especially distressing because that means that everything I once believed in is untrue. I used to think I was much stronger than this, and that I had much more hope and stability. I used to pride myself on being someone who knows exactly what she wants. All these years, this has been my defense and my peace of mind whenever I think about how I went against my Dad's wishes so many years ago. Evidently all that's bullshit now.

I can't really figure out why I'm feeling this way though. And I think until I can solve this mystery, I should stay put. I should stay exactly where I am just so I won't risk making a mistake I'll regret. But is this the right move?

My question is this: What is the right course of action when you're in danger?

What happens when you're taking a leisurely stroll in the forest and you cross paths with a ferocious bear? Do you run for your life in the opposite direction and pray to God that the bear doesn't catch up with you and rip you apart? Or do you stay still, so still that the bear will just eventually leave you alone?

So, should I stay or should I go?

And I will stop. I will stop this nonsense. I will overcome this on my own. Because this is my cross to bear. It is only fair. Funny thing is, I thought I cleaned up after myself pretty well. 

When you're not careful, insecurities can drive you insane.

I must say Mel did a very good job!

Mel used the Makeup Forever HD foundation on me and it's magical! My first time wearing foundation in such a long time, but I'm so impressed! And Mel is an awesome makeup artist!

And the Makeup Forever Academy is where I want to be too. I've watched enough makeup tutorials, played around with enough makeup, and practiced enough on myself to know that this is something I can do, and can do very well at.

I wanna learn an extra skill because I think it will benefit me in the future. I don't know what my plans are for tomorrow, or the next month, or the next year. But I know what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life. Is that strange? I know I will become a parent one day. And when that happens, I will quit my day job and stay at home for my child. Some people tell me that's like throwing my education away. Or throwing my life away. But I don't see it that way. My Mom had a colourful life before she had me. She gave everything up when I came into her life. But she's one of the happiest people I've ever seen. I don't think she threw her life away. I think she gained it. And she's my role model.

I think when you choose to become a parent, you take on a whole new responsibility in life. It's not about you anymore. When I become a parent, I want to be a responsible one. Someone who not only provides material things, but social and ideological support as well. It's not just about feeding them and giving them shelter and clean clothes. It's about teaching them about life, values, self-respect, self-esteem, to stand up for themselves and others, to fight for justice, to know what's right and what's wrong, and to always have compassion for the less-fortunate and needy. I want to teach them that nothing is impossible as long as you put your mind to it. They can dream big and do not have to be afraid of pursuing it. And as a parent, I will support them every step of the way. Most importantly, I will teach them to LOVE God.

With all that in mind, I need to focus on building a home. And a home is not built with cash and credit. I'm not embarrassed to say that I want to be a stay-at-home Mom. But of course, I need to be practical. I want to be able to make some money, help my future husband out with finances, give my children a little extra something, and more importantly, take good care of my parents. And I think a job as a freelance makeup artist after I have kids is a good way to make some money, do something that I love, and at the same time be able to be with my children.

As a matter of fact, ever since late last year, I've set up a separate savings account and starting slowly putting money in it once a month. I'm starting to save for my future children. I don't intend to have kids till I'm at least 26 or 27. So I think I have a good few years to save up enough money to make sure my children gets what's best.

Some people say they were born to be lawyers, or doctors, or singers and actors. I think I was born to be a mother. And my biggest achievement in life would be to be able to have a nice family to have dinner with every evening. Am I throwing my education away? Am I throwing my life away? Am I absolutely unambitious and crazy? Maybe.

I know I still have a long way to go from where I am now to where I want to be. And I know it's not time to make that move yet. But I believe God has everything planned out in His time. I need to work hard now and save up enough money and wait for the right time to enroll in the Academy. Everything will fall into place eventually. I just have to keep faith and trust that I am being taken care of. It's not gonna be a problem. It's God's problem. He has to take care of me. I just work! And I'll work hard!

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Stiff's Tinkerbell-themed (hence the yellow and green) birthday party last Sunday!

Sheryl says we all look like ripe and unripe bananas because of the colour combination. Lol! We kinda do. But we're cute!

I love these people so much much much! Words can't even express! Nutty silly family and friends! I don't know why I complain about my life so much. I look at this bunch of people, and I know I'm blessed.

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Another reason why I'm blessed:

I finally got my hands on the Urban Decay Naked Palette! This means so much to me, you have no idea. I've been waiting for this for months! Tried to buy it off ebay previously, but... long story. Anyways, I've been stalking the Sephora Facebook account for months. Everytime they announced a new shipment of the Naked Palettes, something would crop up and I wouldn't be able to rush down to the nearest Sephora to grab it.

A couple days ago, the Sephora Facebook account announced it's FINAL shipment of the Naked Palettes. I was preparing for a weekend shoot and upset as hell. Today, I happened to waltz into Sephora, and lo and behold!, it was still in stock! I could practically hear the angels singing in the background.

Yes, I am going to need to eat white bread and drink sky juice for the rest of the month. But I swear it's totally worth it! The colours are so pretty! The shadows are so soft and the colour payoff is amazing! I'm a happy girl!

I have been an insane emotional wreck this week. Everything and anything made me wanna a) rip someone's head off, b) punch a wall, c) cry. And this is all accredited to one thing - PMS. Ladies, let me hear you scream!

This monthly hormonal overdose is enough to make me want to hang myself on a ceiling fan. And this month, my PMS was on crack. It doesn't help that it's been an extra hectic week at work. And come to think of it, this week is never gonna end for me. Literally. Considering the fact that I will be working throughout the weekends. But of course, this medium amount of stress was multiplied by infinity because of PMS.

So imagine my joy today when 'Aunt Flo' came knock knock knocking on heaven's my door. I thought, "PMS BEGONE!" But I forgot the next worst thing - cramps.

Yep. Before I knew it, I was head over heels in pain. And I have very severe cramps. Think cold sweat, immobility and fainting spells. That's how bad my cramps can be. But praise God, for the past few months, the cramps were relatively bearable. It did not stop me from carrying on with my planned activities. However, this month, I was not spared. I had the mother of all cramps today.

I sat there at my office desk bent over in pain but I really couldn't say anything. There's a mountain of work to clear before my shoot this weekend and I cannot afford to lay back and relax. So there I was trying to remain calm, while deep in my mind, I was mentally throwing all kinds of curse words I knew at my ill-fate of being born with a uterus. I had to run to the toilet a couple of times to throw up. And usually that would make me feel better, but say hello to Murphy and his goddamn law.

I scooted out of the office early to go for a location recce, and quickly met up with Mel, Ryan, Thomas and Edwin after that. Thankfully the cramps were mild during dinner and I managed to gobble some food down. But soon after, it came back. This time with a vengeance. So as the band practiced their songs for Issac's wedding, I sat at the corner of the room whimpering in pain.

Ryan dug out all the chocolate in his house to try and pacify me. But it didn't work!

Ughhh... Nonetheless, I had a great time with the band. As always. I missed them! Edwin sang an amazing rendition of Rod Stewart's 'Have I Told You Lately' and Mélée's 'Built To Last' (will upload it on youtube soon). I'm kinda bummed I won't get a chance to perform with them this time around. But we received an email today inviting us to perform at another event. So we'll see!

I miss band jamming sessions. Can't wait for another one next week!