April 26, 2012
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Anxiety.
I've been experiencing the deepest bouts of anxiety the past few days. I've never been this scared or nervous before in my entire life - not the night before I got my O Level results, not the day I got into a car accident, not anything. I have spent the past few days in a total mess and crying my eyes out.And it's hard because there's no one to turn to. Everyone I try to talk to brushes me off or tells me to quit worrying. I know. I know I may as well as overreacting. And I know that worrying does nothing. But the fact is this, this is my body and my health - I have the right to overreact, I have the right to worry till my brain melts. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. At the end of the day, this will probably turn out to be a huge false alarm. Maybe. I don't know. No one does. And that's my point. No one knows what's going to happen. Don't look me in the eyes and tell me that I'm going to be alright. No one knows.
I tried confiding in my Mum earlier today and she outright scolded me. Told me that I need to stop jinxing myself. I just need someone to understand what I'm going through. Don't brush me off, even if you think I'm overreacting. I'm scared shitless right now. And everyone around me is acting like nothing is happening, that nothing is wrong. Go on, make your plans for the future. Life goes on. Am I that trivial?
And that is why when I confided in Mel and instead of brushing me off, or asking me to stop worrying, I burst into tears when she said a prayer for me. That was what I needed I guess. Just for someone to tell me that they don't want anything to happen to me. To let me feel like I'm loved and that my health matters. That they care whether I lived or died.
I don't blame God, I don't blame anyone or anything. I've come to face the fact that no matter what happens in life, I'm going to accept it for what it is. I have a strong enough faith to understand that if the Lord brings me to it, He will bring me through it. If I have to live my life in a certain way then so be it. Everything happens for a reason. God does not make you suffer without a lesson.
The truth will be out by next week. I have made my hospital appointment, and I can do nothing now but wait.
In the name of Jesus Christ, I pray, dear Lord, see me through these hard times.
In these troubling times, I am filled with unspeakable fears.
I reach out my hand to You now, and ask You to walk besides me.
I cannot carry all my burdens, but I know You can, and will.
Please walk beside me. Please guide me.
Please help me hold on strong, through the trials and storms.
Help me hold on to my faith, in even the darkest hour.
Stay with me Lord, and show me Your way.
In Your love and Holy Spirit I abide. Amen.
