"True friendship is not about being there when it's convenient. It's about being there when it's not."

Today I got rid of a fair-weathered 'friend'. I can't say I'm not slightly upset over it, but frankly, it does feel more like a giant weight lifted off my shoulders. To be honest, it was a 'friendship' that I had long gotten over already anyways. It was not like we had anything more to contribute to each other.

I generally don't ask for much when it comes to friendships. I don't expect constant attention or presence, because I know that realistically, that is not something I can promise myself. But I guess my litmus test for a worthwhile friendship is 'effort'. To me, the measure of how much effort someone puts into a friendship is an indication of exactly how much value that friendship holds. And I guess you can say that 'effort' is pretty generic and subjective, but really, I'm not asking for much.

There is nothing I hate more than chasing people around asking for meetups and dates and to constantly be either shut down, or stood up at the last minute. And I absolutely hate false promises of 'oh yea! let's meet up soon please!', and then you don't hear from them forever. I know I do that too sometimes, but never to the people who actually matter. We're all adults now. I'm sure we have the ability and time management skills to hold ourselves true to dates and appointments.

And fyi, 'busy' is the biggest bullshit ever. We live in a world where technology and companies exclusively try to make our lives easier by helping us. And yet we shuffle around everyday telling everyone we can that we are just way too 'busy'. Too busy to meet up with friends for one meal? Sorry, but I was not born yesterday. You either make the effort, or you don't.

I have nothing against having to reschedule meetups etc because our schedules don't fit. That shit happens and I'm not an unreasonable prick. But at least MAKE the effort to reschedule. If you're the one spending your whole day working and possibly ridding the world of poverty and hunger, then maybe you should take the initiative to make something work with others. It beats someone else constantly coming up with plans, and you saying you can't make it for everything.

For the sake of argument, let's say you ARE 'too busy'. Let's just humour ourselves and pretend like we really do not have enough hours in the day for work... but you see, that's where effort comes in. You make effort and time for the people you care about. You don't take friendships for granted. You can't expect to have something good without putting in any work. That whole 'true friendship is about not needing to see each other and yet feeling just like old times' thing is a whole load of romantic bullcrap. I'm not saying it's not entirely true, but I believe that that is lazy person speak.

And last but not least, when confronted with the issue at hand, don't self-victimize and act like as if it's everyone else's fault for not understanding your busy scheduling fighting world crime perhaps. Get over yourself and do some self-reflection for God's sake. The world does not revolve around you!

Friendships are like skills. If you don't practice, you lose them eventually.

Now that all that has been said and done, I feel good. There is a tinge of sadness buried somewhere inside, but not enough to stop me from feeling relieved. I have decided that from now on, I am going to focus on myself and my life. Personally, I take everything very seriously and I let most things affect. But you know what? No more. I am going to focus on things that make me happy and things that help me to grow as a person. No more drama to hold me back. I'm twenty-fucking-six years old. I don't need high school drama in my life any more.

My life is going to keep getting better, and I am eventually going to have more and more responsibilities. I am going to sleep well at night knowing that at least I have rid myself of toxins and bad energy. I will just focus on making my life better and better. And on top of that, I will focus my energy on the people in my life who CAN make the effort and who bother to keep me in it.

I have an irrational need to be liked. Which is strange, because I developed this only in my adult years. While most has learned to give the world a finger and ignore it's opinions, I'm starting to adsorb more and more the opinions others have of me. It's not healthy, really. Because soon it turns into an obsession.

It's something I would like to overcome though. For my own sanity. I need to learn how to stop trying to please others. I have tried doing it once or twice before, and then what follows is a tsunami of overwhelming guilt and feelings. I can't help but let others get to me. And it's often the cause of my sleepless nights.

When will I learn not to care?

It's harder when it's from the people around me. Constant fear of offending them and making them mad. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. And I hate it.

Fact is, I have extremely thin skin. It doesn't take much to break me down and flood me with insecurities. It's a curse.

Worst part is how I deal with it. My natural react to anything is to cry - I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I get slightly annoyed, and -horrors of horrors- I cry when I'm mad. That means more often than not, I have the inability to express myself coherently, what with all the sobbing and whatnots. It's not that I don't realise what I should be doing instead, but who's going to stop me?