June 17, 2014

  • Passive agression

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    I have an irrational need to be liked. Which is strange, because I developed this only in my adult years. While most has learned to give the world a finger and ignore it's opinions, I'm starting to adsorb more and more the opinions others have of me. It's not healthy, really. Because soon it turns into an obsession.

    It's something I would like to overcome though. For my own sanity. I need to learn how to stop trying to please others. I have tried doing it once or twice before, and then what follows is a tsunami of overwhelming guilt and feelings. I can't help but let others get to me. And it's often the cause of my sleepless nights.

    When will I learn not to care?

    It's harder when it's from the people around me. Constant fear of offending them and making them mad. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. And I hate it.

    Fact is, I have extremely thin skin. It doesn't take much to break me down and flood me with insecurities. It's a curse.

    Worst part is how I deal with it. My natural react to anything is to cry - I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I get slightly annoyed, and -horrors of horrors- I cry when I'm mad. That means more often than not, I have the inability to express myself coherently, what with all the sobbing and whatnots. It's not that I don't realise what I should be doing instead, but who's going to stop me?