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  • 50 Shades of Fucked Up.

    I just finished reading 50 Shades of Grey (don't judge, it's marvelous). I read the final chapter of the book and unknowingly started shedding tears. For some reason, I could relate to Anastasia in that last chapter. I know how she feels.

    I know how it feels to have to walk away from the very first person that you have ever loved, to walk away from the first person who you gave yourself up to - emotionally and physically. It's like a part of you that's lost and you can't take back. You feel shortchanged. Tainted.

    I'm in a good place now. And I know it's stupid to harp on something that happened a good 3 years ago. But that was a period of my life that I doubt I would ever forget. The pain and suffering had no limits. You can't forget that kind of self-destruction, and that level of sadness.

    So I know how Anastasia feels. And how she felt echoed my thoughts back then.

    Onward Anastasia. You can do it. I did.

  • 50 Men We Love!

    My boy was featured in the August issue of Herworld magazine in the '50 Men We Love' feature!
    Other guys featured in that same feature includes Ryan Gosling, Jay Park, Channing Tatum, Jeremy Renner and Tom Hardy!

    I am so proud of this boy, it is not even funny. So so proud.

    You're gonna make it big someday baby! And when that happens, I'll be behind you all the way!

  • Good riddance.

    Look, I'm not usually a hateful person. But there are certain kinds of people that absolutely makes me wanna blast my brains off just being in their presence. And I gotta say I met my match when I met a certain someone a few months back. I don't think I've ever felt this kinda frustration and animosity before in my entire life. Just being in the same room as him makes my blood boil. He doesn't have to say anything, but just the sound of his breathing pisses me off.

    It's not irrational hate though. I'm not that psychotic. It's a mish-mash of various factors that eventually makes me wanna rip his head off. There are just some things I cannot tolerate:

    1) There is a fine line between a sarcastic comment, and a snide remark. It's best people know the difference. Sarcastic comments have a certain kind of humour in it. Now, I'm not someone with a conservative sense of humour. I enjoy most kinds of humour, especially sarcastic ones. But if your 'humour' starts becoming snide, offensive and condescending, then don't blame me for not giving you the time of day.

    2) Humility - learn it, practice it. I cannot emphasize this enough. Some people just walk around like their balls are too big for their pants, when the truth is that you need to bring your ego right back down to earth.

    3) R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Aretha Franklin wasn't kidding when she screamed her lungs out singing it. Have some respect for the people around you and you will get that respect back.

    4) Know your place. If you want more responsibilities, then show that you can handle it. Don't be a complete prick about work distribution, and then after that complain that you weren't given enough chances to excel. You're only given what you have proven you can handle. So quit whining like a little bitch.

    5) If you were not born and raised in my country, then do not talk shit about it. Seriously. If you're that unhappy, get your broke ass back to your own country.

    There are not many people in this world who bother me enough to annoy me like that. You're the first, and hopefully the last. But thankfully, after today, preferably our paths will never cross again.

    Like i said, I'm not usually a hateful person. As a matter of fact, I cherish peace. Which is the reason why I avoid confrontations at all costs. Even if it means sulking myself to death.
    If I don't like you, I'm not gonna bother giving you the time of day. I will not talk to you (unless necessary), or bother to make friends. But that does not mean I'm going to be mean. No. I know when to be civil. And I will be civil. I'll still smile at you and greet you (when necessary). I don't think this makes me a two-faced bitch. I think that just means I have the maturity to not wanna kick up a fuss.
     
    And that is the end of my 'once-in-a-blue-moon-mandatory-for-my-sanity' angsty rant. I hope you all have a pleasant day. Goodbye.

  • World Stage yeah!

    I had such crazy, irreplaceable, exhausting fun at MTV World Stage live in Malaysia 2012. It was my first work trip overseas and it was nervewrecking, yet a great experience altogether. Never in my wildest dreams would I imagine myself working at such an incredible and huge event. MTV World Stage was seriously a product of all our blood, sweat and tears.

    Insufficient manpower means 1 person juggling numerous roles. Not only was I a producer for the show, I was 2nd stage manager as well. Spending 4 full days under the scorching heat at Sunway Lagoon in Kuala Lumpur with little to no food or sleep takes its toll on your body. Yet adrenaline pushes you to move forward. This is MTV World Stage. There is no room for errors. Everything has to be perfect. And everything was perfect.

    This year, we had the privilege of having Malaysian songtress Mizz Nina, Korean idols Kara and Jay Park, as well as international superstar..... yes you got it.... JUSTIN BIEBER!

    Ok hold up. Now this is just insane. Look, when I joined MTV Asia, I knew I was gonna be meeting some celebrities and stars. But Justin Bieber?! Are you serious right now? He's like one of the biggest stars ever! Ok ok, I am not exactly a Belieber. But meeting Justin Bieber is a big deal. And you know, people can say all the shit they want about him (I'll admit to making some jokes about him myself), but after seeing him perform live and doing his thang on stage, you really cannot help but admit that he is a goddamn talented boy. I have newfound respect for that guy. And he's growing into a fine young man! And I had the chance to meet his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, backstage too. Oh my God what a sweetheart! Ok I'll admit, I am actually a bigger fan of Selena's than Bieber, so I was thrilled!

    MTV World Stage was worth all the effort. It seriously is. And while I was whining and complaining about all the work put in, my boyfriend was right, this is the pinnacle of my career thus far. And how many people can say that they've done something like this? Not many.

    Plus, I think I proven myself well during this entire experience. I've gotten many compliments by colleagues and superiors at the end of it. It's a confidence booster, definitely. Makes me feel like I am cut out for this job after all. Honestly, if I weren't in this industry, I don't know what else I could do. No matter how much I whine and grumble, fact is, I freakin' love it here. I love this industry. It pays peanuts and you're required to put in more work and working hours than most other people out there, but when you've completed something as magnificent as World Stage, it really is all worth it. And that is something money can't make up for (and that is also something people in this industry say to make themselves feel better).

    I've made the decision to stay on here at MTV. I'm pretty sure it's the right one.

  • Daddy.

    This past 2 months saw another bout of health scare again. This time, it was scarier. It rendered me helpless, and I don't think I have ever felt this scared before in my entire life.

    My Dad was down with a bad flu and sore throat. He went to the doctor and they discovered that he had a white mass in his throat. They wanted to do a minor throat operation to take whatever-it-is out and send it for a biopsy. I know, deva ju right? The exact same thing happened to me. And so when the doctor recommended the surgery, we didn't think too much about it. After all, I was in and out of the hospital in less than a day.

    As expected, my Dad's surgery went without a glitch.... or so we thought. After his surgery was over and he was pushed up to the recovery room, we went to see him. He looked fine. His old usual self - telling jokes and talking at the top of his voice. So my Mum and I decided to let him rest for a bit, while we went to go grab something to eat.

    Fast forward 40 minutes later. We went back to the recovery room to get ready to bring my Dad home. However, what we found when we reached the recovery room almost scared us to death. The curtains around my Dad's bed were drawn, and when I managed to peek inside, there were at least 6 nurses around my Dad's hospital bed. Not only that, there were an array of big machines, surrounding him. Some nurses were trying to fix ECG adhesive stickers on his chest that were connected to a life watch heart monitoring system, and the other nurses were drawing blood from him. There was a doctor zipping in and out of the room.

    My Mum immediately broke down in tears. And while I had tears swimming in my eyes, I knew I had to be the strong one. When I managed to calm my nerves and regain my senses, I stopped the doctor and asked her what exactly was wrong. She said my Dad was complaining of severe chest pains and difficulty in breathing. They suspected that he was having a heart attack.

    Heart attack. Those 2 words sent my world into a spiral. My mind blanked out and I have never felt that kind of helplessness and terrified before in my life. Heart attack? People die of heart attacks. Was I losing my Dad? I can't lose my Dad. He hasn't walked my down the aisle yet. I haven't given him grandchildren yet. I haven't made him proud yet. I can't lose my Dad.

    I prayed. I prayed so hard. I prayed to God and asked to take over whatever it was that my Dad was having. I didn't mind. After all, I was younger, and physically stronger. I stand a higher chance surviving a heart attack than him.

    While I contemplated life without my father, that same doctor informed me that his ECG and blood tests came back normal Good news: no heart attack. Bad news: they got his lung x-ray, and his lung was punctured. They needed to transfer him down to the A&E's resuscitation room immediately to put a tube into his chest and into his lungs to help him breathe.

    My question to them was clear and simple: "Was this a result of human error? How was it that a simple throat surgery that lasted not more than 10 minutes could lead to a lung puncture?" I was convinced that no, it was not due to human error. These things happen.

    We went through the longest few hours of our lives. I didn't know what was happening, or if he was going to be okay. Eventually, he was warded. What was supposed to be an 'overnight observation' turned into a 10-day hospital stay. Day after day, doctors will come visit my Dad and attempt to explain his predicament to him. Day after day, it was a different story. Day after day, there would be a different discovery. It went from a lung puncture to possibly lung cancer. Everyday I felt like my life was about to fall apart.

    Eventually, my Dad healed without any major complications. I thank God and praise Him everyday for letting my Dad escape this unscathed. I have him home now and I will be eternally grateful.

    I wanna thank all the wonderful family and friends who took time off their busy schedules to come visit my Dad and bring him stuff. Thanks for all the gifts and food as well. We greatly appreciate it.

    I also wanna specially thank my boyfriend for everything.

    Kane, without you, I wouldn't have been able to go through all those painful weeks. Thank you for being there not just mentally and spiritually, but also physically to give me hugs when I'm feeling weak, or a hand squeeze when I'm fighting back tears. And more importantly, thank you Kane, for being there for my Mum. For accompanying her in the hospitals when I can't make it there. I understand now that when wedding vows state - 'for better or for worse, through sickness and in health', they don't just mean between the couple, they mean it for friends and family as well. I'm so blessed. I really don't know what good I've done to deserve you. I love you so much.

    Hopefully all this drama will be over. I don't ever wanna go back to a hospital again in a long time.

  • Get well soon.

    There is not a single second that goes by where I don't wish I would take over whatever pain my Dad is going through now.

    Please let this nightmare end soon.

  • You're my wonderwall.

    Thanks for texting me today.

    Somehow, it's nice knowing that we're not over and done.

    It's also nice knowing that what we went through was not for nothing.
    After all, we're both in better places now.
    And we both found someone better.

    Sometimes you got to get rid of the old feelings to make way for the new.

  • Soulmate.



    "Soul mate: two little words, one big concept.
    A belief that someone, somewhere, is holding the key to your heart."
    - Carrie Bradshaw

    It scares me sometimes when I see how lightly some people treat relationships. How it has lost it's sanctity and meaning. I know I'm in no position to judge. Every relationship has their fair share of trauma and misunderstandings, but what happened to fighting to the very last breath?

    What is this concept of 'soul mates' anyway? Is it possible to make a mistake and miss your soul mate? Who made the rules? Who determines the boundaries?

    I thought I met my soul mate once. Someone who understood me so thoroughly and so clearly. I was so sure that no matter who I ended up marrying, he would always be my soul mate. Who said soul mates needed to be together anyway?

    Of course, things have changed, people changed, I lived and I learned. I don't know if I believe in meeting your perfect soul mate anymore, but I do know that you can make someone your soul mate. You can make that promise to have and to hold, to love and to cherish till death do you part.

    Love is all about fighting. You fight to stay together, or you fight to be apart. Somewhere, somehow, someone might raise the white flag.

  • Sliced.

    Those who have been following me on twitter or facebook knows how I've recently gotten myself into a health scare.

    About late last year, I realised a lump developing under my right jaw, below my ear. I ignored it for the longest time, and didn't really tell anybody about it either. I could only feel it there when I occasionally pressed down on the area when showering or perhaps applying moisturizer. It didn't hurt, neither did it cause any kind of discomfort. I left it there thinking it would go away.

    However, early this year, I realised the lump starting to grow bigger. It grew to a size where it started protruding out of my skin. Still, it did not bother me because it didn't hurt. I only started worrying when I actually had friends and family coming up to me and asking me about it because they could see it. I told them it was just a swollen lymph node, no biggie. Soon though, curiosity got the better of me and I turned to Google. The thing about Google is that it can either rest your nerves, or send you into full-fledged panic mode. I was a victim of the latter. I typed all my symptoms into the search engine and waited for the word 'cancer' to appear. Lo and behold, it did.

    Google told me that swollen lymph nodes are no problem. Many people get it several times in life, and sometimes you don't even notice them because they come and go. However, if the lymph node does not go away after 2 weeks, or worse, it appears to be growing bigger, it may be a sign of an underlying disease. An swollen lymph node under the jaw that had been growing for more than 2 months might suggest a sort of cancer of the lymph node.

    Needless to say, I spent many sleepless nights after that mentally drafting my will and thinking of all the things I would like to say to my loved ones before I died. Yes, I tend to be a little melodramatic. But it helps me to prepare for the worse. I finally mustered up enough courage to go visit the doctor, and as expected, was after that referred to a specialist at the hospital's ENT department. With sweaty palms and a quickening heart rate, I went for the check up and was told by the senior consultant that the lump is most probably a sebaceous cyst. *cue choirs of singing angels*

    My options then was to leave the lump alone and pray it goes away, or have surgery to remove it and send it out for a biopsy to check if its benign or malignant. I chose to allow them to slice my neck open and take the troublemaker out.

    So I went for surgery on Monday. I was nervous. I know compared to many other people out there who has been through much worse, this minor surgery is nothing. But I was scared. I have never had any kind of surgery before (actually I had lasik surgery, but I don't think that counts), I have never even broken any kind of bone before! The only real kind of physical pain I've been through were when getting my tattoos, or perhaps the heart wrenching tear in my heart when I found out the boy I used to love was cheating on me... but I digress.

    I chose to be put under general anesthesia and I'm glad I made that choice. When the surgery was over, I opened my eyes and surprisingly, there was little to no pain at all. It is now day 3 post-operation and I am recovering well. My wound is healing perfectly and I am not experiencing any kind of discomfort.

    My Mum has been taking extremely good care of me - making sure my wound is coated with ointment and that I am eating all the right foods. I have also noticed her coming into my room in the middle of the night while I'm sleeping just to make sure that I'm sleeping in the right positions and not compromising the stitches. Nothing will help you heal better and faster than a mother's pure love.

    I also have a wonderful boyfriend who checks in on me and was there with me before and after the surgery. All the wonderful encouragements and assurances just helped make the experience so much less terrifying.

    And also all my family's heartfelt prayers were heard and answered. I cannot thank God more for what He has done for me.

    My test results aren't out yet. I still have to be back in the hospital next Tuesday to remove my stitches and also to get my biopsy results. I'm not nervous anymore. I have true and utmost faith that I will be all right and that I will live to see my children have more children. Praise Jesus!

  • Anxiety.

    I've been experiencing the deepest bouts of anxiety the past few days. I've never been this scared or nervous before in my entire life - not the night before I got my O Level results, not the day I got into a car accident, not anything. I have spent the past few days in a total mess and crying my eyes out.

    And it's hard because there's no one to turn to. Everyone I try to talk to brushes me off or tells me to quit worrying. I know. I know I may as well as overreacting. And I know that worrying does nothing. But the fact is this, this is my body and my health - I have the right to overreact, I have the right to worry till my brain melts. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. At the end of the day, this will probably turn out to be a huge false alarm. Maybe. I don't know. No one does. And that's my point. No one knows what's going to happen. Don't look me in the eyes and tell me that I'm going to be alright. No one knows.

    I tried confiding in my Mum earlier today and she outright scolded me. Told me that I need to stop jinxing myself. I just need someone to understand what I'm going through. Don't brush me off, even if you think I'm overreacting. I'm scared shitless right now. And everyone around me is acting like nothing is happening, that nothing is wrong. Go on, make your plans for the future. Life goes on. Am I that trivial?

    And that is why when I confided in Mel and instead of brushing me off, or asking me to stop worrying, I burst into tears when she said a prayer for me. That was what I needed I guess. Just for someone to tell me that they don't want anything to happen to me. To let me feel like I'm loved and that my health matters. That they care whether I lived or died.

    I don't blame God, I don't blame anyone or anything. I've come to face the fact that no matter what happens in life, I'm going to accept it for what it is. I have a strong enough faith to understand that if the Lord brings me to it, He will bring me through it. If I have to live my life in a certain way then so be it. Everything happens for a reason. God does not make you suffer without a lesson.

    The truth will be out by next week. I have made my hospital appointment, and I can do nothing now but wait.

    In the name of Jesus Christ, I pray, dear Lord, see me through these hard times.
    In these troubling times, I am filled with unspeakable fears.
    I reach out my hand to You now, and ask You to walk besides me.
    I cannot carry all my burdens, but I know You can, and will.
    Please walk beside me. Please guide me.
    Please help me hold on strong, through the trials and storms.
    Help me hold on to my faith, in even the darkest hour.
    Stay with me Lord, and show me Your way.
    In Your love and Holy Spirit I abide. Amen.