“You should say your farewells ahead of time. Because when the time comes, you won’t have time to say goodbye.”
- Do Min Joon
March 5, 2014
February 25, 2014
Today I went through old tweets just out of curiosity, and to see how much I have changed. I discovered a part of me I don’t even recognize anymore. Damn I used to be passive aggressive. Not only that, I was delusional and downright irritating. It is a no wonder you couldn’t stand me.
That being said, I cannot imagine the amount of hate we used to have for each other. The kinds of passive aggressive tweets we exchanged. Reading it today rekindled old pains. How did we use to be so toxic?
Till this day I wonder – did you really hate me that much back then?
When I look back at the words I allowed myself to say to you, and the mistakes that I thought were more than okay to be making, I feel overwhelmed with embarrassment and regret. I just want to go back and wipe those ugly moments from your memory. There are only so many fights, so many words we don’t really mean hurled at each other before we both have to look in the mirror and say, “Okay, this isn’t working.”
I hope you understand that I will always care for you, in the way one might a distant friend you’ve lost touch with but still long to laugh with every so often. And I hope you’re well. I hope you’re living life the way you wanted to, and have gained enough perspective to know, as I know, that some things don’t have to last forever to have value.
February 11, 2014
January 17, 2014
Reunited once again! 13 years of friendship. We have literally known each other for half our lives now! We were so tight back in Secondary School. And of course, we’re all grown ups now and different priorities. We don’t see each other that much anymore, but we make an effort to have a reunion at least once a year. Unfortunately, the past couple of years, we always had certain people who couldn’t make it. When you have a clique of 11 girls, it’s so hard to match schedules. Thankfully, we miraculously managed to get everyone together! The whole, full gang!
It’s also nice how despite not seeing each other much, whenever we do meet, it feels just like old times. It’s fun reminiscing about the good old days – talking about the crap we used to do back in school, driving the teachers nuts with our weird antics, driving ourselves nuts with studies and exams, detentions and recess… Ahh… teenagehood was fun.
Now all we talk about work and life, and it does feel a little weird. The fact that we are able to sit around the table and just discuss each other’s jobs and stuff really makes you feel like an adult. To think that just 9 years ago, all we had to worry about is homework and exams.
I love these girls to infinity and beyond!
January 12, 2014
“You need someone who will lift you up. Who has as much drive and ambition as you do.
Who wants to go to the places you want to go. Who will support you on the way there. Someone who isn’t jealous of your accomplishments, but praises them.
Someone who isn’t looking to compete with you, but be in a partnership. ”
January 8, 2014
And just like that. We’re into the new year again. I’m not the only one who felt like 2013 went by extra fast right?
Once again, I’ve got nothing bad to say about my year. For once in my life, I am not alone – literally and metaphorically. I feel like my life is finally going somewhere. I finally have direction. And that feels superb. Whatever bad that happened in the past feels lightyears away. I have never been more loved before in my life, and I don’t even remember what it feels like to be sad anymore.
I’m finally content and learning each day how to be satisfied with my life. There are so many things I am grateful for, but that being said, there are so many things I would like to change. I’m only human after all. But despite the yearning for change, I am learning to accept reality for what it is. But in no way am I settling. Yearning for change means striving to be better. It means the determination to work harder and to do something to make a difference.
In 2013, I have finally learnt to let go of some people in my life. People change, and friends go away. That’s life. It’s nothing to be too suicidal over. Some failed friendships are like dairy products – you leave it on the shelf for too long past its expiration date and it starts to curdle. Better to just let go of it. I don’t need unnecessary baggage anyway.
Some friendships though, I managed to rekindle. And that makes me so happy. At the last leg of 2013, I felt like I managed to connect with you again. Isn’t it strange how tragedies always seem to bring us back together? And as easily as I got you back, I feel like you’re slipping through my fingers again. What’s wrong with us? How did something that used to be so natural now seem so forced and artificial? I thought I left you in good hands. Now that things fell through again… all I can say is that I wish you love for 2014. I wish you find whatever it is you’re looking for. Just like how I’ve found mine.
2014 is the year of working hard. This is the year we work to make our dreams come true. That’s all I’m going to focus on for now. And trust me, I’m gonna work my ass off. I’ve waited far too long for this and I ain’t getting any younger. There are some things in life you just can’t give up on.
I’m so glad I have the most beautiful people beside me to work with me and to motivate me. I’m so glad I have Kane, who I love more than life itself. I’m so glad I have my parents, who I would lay down my life for. I’m so glad I have the most loving and generous family who always makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Life is good and love is in abundance. 2014 is going to be a great year.
December 12, 2013
Separation anxiety disorder (SAD) is a psychological condition in which an individual experiences excessive anxiety regarding separation from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment (e.g. a parent, grandparents, or siblings).
- Recurrent excessive distress when anticipating or experiencing separation from home or from major attachment figures.
- Persistent and excessive worry about losing major attachment figures or about possible harm to them, such as illness, injury, disasters, or death.
- Persistent and excessive worry about experiencing an untoward event (e.g., getting lost, being kidnapped, having an accident, becoming ill) that causes separation from a major attachment figure.
- Persistent reluctance or refusal to go out, away from home, to school, to work, or elsewhere because of fear of separation.
- Persistent and excessive fear of or reluctance about being alone or without major attachment figures at home or in other settings.
- Persistent reluctance or refusal to sleep away from home or to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure.
- Repeated nightmares involving the theme of separation.
- Repeated complaints of physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomachaches, nausea, or vomiting) when separation from major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.
December 11, 2013
In just one sentence, you summed up everything I was feeling so swiftly.
For years I have been battling with anxiety and panic attacks. I don’t remember when it first happened. I don’t remember what caused it. I only remember that feeling of having your heart torn out while your chest throbs with a shooting pain, gasping for air in between sobs, and slowly sinking to your feet while you feel the room close in on you. You’re trapped and all you can do is try to calm down.
I have never been diagnosed. My family tends to practise subtlety when it comes to physical ailments and calamities. In fact, no one knows about my panic attacks. No one but you.
I used to wonder why I have them. I’m not particularly distressed or feeling pressurized in any way. I lead a happy, normal life and I should not be breaking down midday trying to catch my breath. What was plaguing me?
And you summed it up beautifully – I just have too many emotions, but with no outlet of release.
And just like that, I understand.
December 5, 2013
Am I against it? I guess not really. But then again that’s a trick question.
It’s not so much the notion of marriage, but the reason behind it that makes me curl my fist. Granted I have no actual idea what the reason(s) are, but I have my own rather idealistic assumptions. And none of them are good.
Call it jealousy. Call it sour grapes. Call it passive aggressive. Call it selfish. Call it what you will. I despise people who disrespect the sanctity of marriage. I have been brought up to believe that when things go wrong in a marriage, you work it out, not throw it away.
It just makes me sad, really, Can’t really put into words how I feel about it. Maybe a part of me wished I had the guts to do the same. Unfortunately, I am too logical and realistic (not to mention – smart) to even consider it. I think there’s a difference between reckless romance and plain stupidity. And the consequences are not easy to recover from.
It’s not going to be an easy night. Pretending to be happy for someone. But I will give my blessings and I will try my best not to end up a sobbing ball of mess by the end of the night.
November 7, 2013
Me. I’m back. Finally.
What a tumultuous relationship it has been with Xanga. I had no idea they were struggling to stay afloat and seeking donations in order not to get shut down. So imagine my surprise when I logged on to my Xanga account one fine day to find that my account had been suspended! The past 5-6 years of my life is documented here! And yea sure I have sort of love-hate emotions for this site, but I was not gonna go down without putting up a fight. So I found out that I had to pay a subscription now in order to restore my site. I guess $50 is a small price to pay for my memories. Then when I got my site back, I was beyond devastated at the fact that my site format was all screwed up. That’s it. I gave up. I had no more resolution to do anything about it.
Decided to give Xanga another shot today and found out that while my format is still majorly fucked, they did restore some of their previous customization functions. A few tweaks here and there and I managed to get my site to look somewhat decent. I got my original pink and black colour scheme back. It ain’t perfect, but hey, it works for me.
So what have I been up to? Honestly, not much. Life goes on. Same shit. Different day.
Work has been fine and dandy. Nothing too exciting. At least not compared to my previous job. But it’s comforting to know that things are much more stable now. Still haven’t decided if I made the right choice. But I guess it doesn’t really matter much at this point.
Family has been going great. Well… for the most part. There’s really nothing to complain about.
I’m still with my boyfriend, who continues to prove, day after day, why he is the love of my life. It’s blissful, really.
So there you go the story of my life. If you’re still interested in more, then stay tuned.