想你 想你 也能成为嗜好
So I’ve been reconnecting with some old songs I have on my iTunes recently. I came across super old songs from one of my most favourite bands ever – Tension. For some reason, this makes me very nostalgic and even emotional.
I’ll admit that I no longer listen to Chinese music anymore. I can’t even tell you the names of some newer Chinese pop singers. I am no longer in touch with that industry anymore. But back then in my secondary school days when I was exposed to it, Tension and David Tao were no doubt my biggest influencers. Of course, David Tao will always be my number one, and I was introduced to Tension because they were Tao’s proteges.
While listening to their music recently, I got to thinking about how much Tension and David Tao’s music has got me through such dark times back then – when I was pretty much lost and directionless. I remembered once writing David Tao a letter telling how much he has helped me and given me so much hope through his music. A lot of the things I hold true till this day was inspired by him.
I was heartbroken when Tension disbanded many years ago. From what I know, they disbanded due to a dispute with their record company. Apparently, they were made to do covers of korean and japanese songs, and they did not want to. Understandable, considering how talented these guys are. They are all composers and original artistes. and I respect the fact that they did not want to be copies. They introduced me to acapella, and I have been a huge fan of acapella ever since.
Tension is just so different from the other rubbish boybands out there. I mean, apart from the obvious fact – they don’t look like your typical boyband. Good looks are not their best appeal, but who cares? Especially when they make such beautiful music. And that’s what I love most about them.
I can’t help but wonder where Tension is now and what the members are doing. I gotta admit that my ‘creepy-mode’ came on and I did a random Facebook search and found some of their personal accounts. From what I can see, most of them returned to America after they disbanded. Jimmy is still perusing his singing career, and I expected no less from the son of the great Sammo Hung. Andy seems to be some kind of music teacher in America. John and Brian’s profiles are private, so I couldn’t really see anything, but they seem to be back in America too. Brian’s profile pic had a girl in it. His girlfriend? Wife? I couldn’t find Raymond’s profile though, but I believe he’s the only one still in Taiwan.
Ok, creepy much? And what’s really the point of this long and seemingly pointless entry?
I just wanted to say that I miss Tension so much. Listening to their old music now brought legit tears to my eyes. In fact, I can’t help but feel a bit teary eyed typing this. I miss their music most of all. I wish they would have a reunion some day. Wishful thinking?
The very first acapella song I was exposed to, and I have to say my top 5 most favourite songs of all time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yl7cDuqu2zo
My other favourite Tension acapella song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6-pV999cDM
“True friendship is not about being there when it’s convenient. It’s about being there when it’s not.”
Today I got rid of a fair-weathered ‘friend’. I can’t say I’m not slightly upset over it, but frankly, it does feel more like a giant weight lifted off my shoulders. To be honest, it was a ‘friendship’ that I had long gotten over already anyways. It was not like we had anything more to contribute to each other.
I generally don’t ask for much when it comes to friendships. I don’t expect constant attention or presence, because I know that realistically, that is not something I can promise myself. But I guess my litmus test for a worthwhile friendship is ‘effort’. To me, the measure of how much effort someone puts into a friendship is an indication of exactly how much value that friendship holds. And I guess you can say that ‘effort’ is pretty generic and subjective, but really, I’m not asking for much.
There is nothing I hate more than chasing people around asking for meetups and dates and to constantly be either shut down, or stood up at the last minute. And I absolutely hate false promises of ‘oh yea! let’s meet up soon please!’, and then you don’t hear from them forever. I know I do that too sometimes, but never to the people who actually matter. We’re all adults now. I’m sure we have the ability and time management skills to hold ourselves true to dates and appointments.
And fyi, ‘busy’ is the biggest bullshit ever. We live in a world where technology and companies exclusively try to make our lives easier by helping us. And yet we shuffle around everyday telling everyone we can that we are just way too ‘busy’. Too busy to meet up with friends for one meal? Sorry, but I was not born yesterday. You either make the effort, or you don’t.
I have nothing against having to reschedule meetups etc because our schedules don’t fit. That shit happens and I’m not an unreasonable prick. But at least MAKE the effort to reschedule. If you’re the one spending your whole day working and possibly ridding the world of poverty and hunger, then maybe you should take the initiative to make something work with others. It beats someone else constantly coming up with plans, and you saying you can’t make it for everything.
For the sake of argument, let’s say you ARE ‘too busy’. Let’s just humour ourselves and pretend like we really do not have enough hours in the day for work… but you see, that’s where effort comes in. You make effort and time for the people you care about. You don’t take friendships for granted. You can’t expect to have something good without putting in any work. That whole ‘true friendship is about not needing to see each other and yet feeling just like old times’ thing is a whole load of romantic bullcrap. I’m not saying it’s not entirely true, but I believe that that is lazy person speak.
And last but not least, when confronted with the issue at hand, don’t self-victimize and act like as if it’s everyone else’s fault for not understanding your busy scheduling fighting world crime perhaps. Get over yourself and do some self-reflection for God’s sake. The world does not revolve around you!
Friendships are like skills. If you don’t practice, you lose them eventually.
Now that all that has been said and done, I feel good. There is a tinge of sadness buried somewhere inside, but not enough to stop me from feeling relieved. I have decided that from now on, I am going to focus on myself and my life. Personally, I take everything very seriously and I let most things affect. But you know what? No more. I am going to focus on things that make me happy and things that help me to grow as a person. No more drama to hold me back. I’m twenty-fucking-six years old. I don’t need high school drama in my life any more.
My life is going to keep getting better, and I am eventually going to have more and more responsibilities. I am going to sleep well at night knowing that at least I have rid myself of toxins and bad energy. I will just focus on making my life better and better. And on top of that, I will focus my energy on the people in my life who CAN make the effort and who bother to keep me in it.
I have an irrational need to be liked. Which is strange, because I developed this only in my adult years. While most has learned to give the world a finger and ignore it’s opinions, I’m starting to adsorb more and more the opinions others have of me. It’s not healthy, really. Because soon it turns into an obsession.
It’s something I would like to overcome though. For my own sanity. I need to learn how to stop trying to please others. I have tried doing it once or twice before, and then what follows is a tsunami of overwhelming guilt and feelings. I can’t help but let others get to me. And it’s often the cause of my sleepless nights.
When will I learn not to care?
It’s harder when it’s from the people around me. Constant fear of offending them and making them mad. It shouldn’t bother me, but it does. And I hate it.
Fact is, I have extremely thin skin. It doesn’t take much to break me down and flood me with insecurities. It’s a curse.
Worst part is how I deal with it. My natural react to anything is to cry – I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m sad, I cry when I get slightly annoyed, and -horrors of horrors- I cry when I’m mad. That means more often than not, I have the inability to express myself coherently, what with all the sobbing and whatnots. It’s not that I don’t realise what I should be doing instead, but who’s going to stop me?
I recently found out that an ex-boyfriend is getting married in 3 months. Just to be clear, I did not actively seek information like this. For some reason, it always gets thrown in my face.
To be honest, I did wonder who the
unlucky girl is. Is it the same girl he left me for? If it is, well then good for him. In fact, I wish it is the same girl. Cause then at least I know he made the right choice and I know that I was in pain for a greater good.
So many years has past. 5 years to be exact. Whatever hate I had or anger is gone. In fact, I need to thank him. Thank him for letting me go. Cause I know the kind of person I am, and I know how much I can give. If he didn’t give me up, just maybe I would have loved him forever. And if I loved him forever, I would never have had the current life I have now. And that would be the biggest regret and mistake. I don’t think I would ever be this happy. And I know it’s pointless to say that now, but it is something I truly believe in.
Every now and then, I am still very thankful for what happened back then. Everything that happened led me to this point in my life now. And honestly, I am at the happiest I have ever and could ever be. Every heartache and every betrayal just taught me how to love better. It taught me how to be a better person.
So I guess there is no more hate and anger, just gratitude. So thank you. Yes – thank you.
Thank you for being a colossal dick.
Baby fever at an all time high. I mean, I’ve always had baby fever, but this time around, it’s on a whole new level.
I’ve always considered myself very good with babies. I don’t even know why. Over the years, I’ve acquired a lot of knowledge about them – all kinds, from their behaviour, to how to feed, nurture, and educate them. I’ve always had a particular interest in babies. Any shows or documentaries with babies fascinate me.
A few years ago, I spent most of my extra waking hours watching ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8′ – just because I was fascinated with their children. I love the Gosselins. Kate is bossy as hell, but I learnt a lot and respect her parenting style. It’s not easy having 8 children, and she managed it without going insane. And her kids are beyond adorable.
Most recently, I’ve been watching ‘itsjudyslife’ on youtube. I’ve been following Judy and Benji’s daily vlogs for years. I discovered Judy first through the beauty community on youtube. I always thought she was one of the better beauty/makeup gurus on youtube, and she was my favourite. She was very real and I felt like I could relate to her. And then I discovered her daily vlogs. I started watching her vlogs since Benji and her were still a dating couple. Then I watched Benji propose to her, they had the most amazing wedding, then they got pregnant and had little Julianna Bear, moved to a new house, and now they have twin baby girls – Keira and Miya! It’s amazing. And Judy is pretty much my idol. I adore the relationship she has with her husband, and it is something I look up to. I also respect her parenting style and I think she is a supermom who manages to do everything, and still spend time on herself, making herself look beautiful. She is the kind of mother I aspire to be in the future.
Anyways, back to my baby fever…. You know how some people were just born with a certain talent, or born to be certain things? Like, you can say someone was born to be a singer, or a doctor, or an artist, or a swimmer etc. I never really figured out what I was ‘born to do’. As a matter of fact, I think I was born to be a mum. That’s my calling. People were born to be writers, and lawyers etc, and I was born to be a mum. I believe I have the ability to be a good mum. And I crave it so bad.
I feel depressed sometimes because I feel like it’s something I’m being held back from. It’s like if a singer isn’t allowed to sing, or a writer not allowed to write. That’s how I feel. And I crave it so bad. I have always wanted a child. I think that is the only thing in my life right now that will fulfil me.
And yet I see people around me who take parenting and motherhood for granted. How can you be so cavalier? A child is a gift. A blessing. It makes me so angry to know that these people have a child, when they don’t deserve it. And yet I am here with nothing.
I know that may sound so dumb to some, but I just feel it in my bones. And I sometimes cannot believe that I don’t have a baby now for me to look after and nurture. I feel like I’m being held back.
How long will I love you?
As long as stars are above you
And longer if I can
How long will I need you?
As long as the seasons need to
Follow their plan
How long will I be with you?
As long as the sea is bound to
Wash up on the sand
How long will I want you?
As long as you want me to
And longer by far
How long will I hold you?
As long as your father told you
As long as you can
How long will I give to you?
As long as I live through you
However long you say
How long will I love you?
As long as stars are above you
And longer if I may
How long will I love you?
As long as stars are above you