Me. I'm back. Finally.

What a tumultuous relationship it has been with Xanga. I had no idea they were struggling to stay afloat and seeking donations in order not to get shut down. So imagine my surprise when I logged on to my Xanga account one fine day to find that my account had been suspended! The past 5-6 years of my life is documented here! And yea sure I have sort of love-hate emotions for this site, but I was not gonna go down without putting up a fight. So I found out that I had to pay a subscription now in order to restore my site. I guess $50 is a small price to pay for my memories. Then when I got my site back, I was beyond devastated at the fact that my site format was all screwed up. That's it. I gave up. I had no more resolution to do anything about it.

Decided to give Xanga another shot today and found out that while my format is still majorly fucked, they did restore some of their previous customization functions. A few tweaks here and there and I managed to get my site to look somewhat decent. I got my original pink and black colour scheme back. It ain't perfect, but hey, it works for me.

So what have I been up to? Honestly, not much. Life goes on. Same shit. Different day.

Work has been fine and dandy. Nothing too exciting. At least not compared to my previous job. But it's comforting to know that things are much more stable now. Still haven't decided if I made the right choice. But I guess it doesn't really matter much at this point.

Family has been going great. Well... for the most part. There's really nothing to complain about.

I'm still with my boyfriend, who continues to prove, day after day, why he is the love of my life. It's blissful, really.

So there you go the story of my life. If you're still interested in more, then stay tuned.

I hate the quite nights all by yourself. 
Those are the nights you start thinking about everything.

People need to stop getting engaged. Everyday I open facebook and someone new is engaged. Stop getting engaged. You getting engaged makes me ENRAGED. Stop it. Just stop.

So I left my dream job and pursued a different role (in the same field) in a different company. I didn't leave my dream job because it was bad. In fact, it was great - everything I thought it would be. 

I sat down here in front of my Macbook with all the intention of talking about my last week of work. Then I got very choked up, and so I'm just going to leave it at that.

Here's the thing - despite everything wrong about this place, despite knowing that I have made the right decision to leave, I love all the people I work with. They make leaving so hard. It makes me so sad to think that I won't be able to see them on a daily basis again. 

A new environment is scary. I have to start all over again. It gives me lots of anxiety. I don't like talking about it. But I'm an adult. And we're supposed to be brave. I'm trying to be brave. 

Looking at other people's failed relationships makes me nervous. I don't know what it is about that. It makes me lose hope.

I've had people around me who has been together for years, and all of a sudden, they decided to call it quits. What's with that? Is love something so easy to just put down? How do you simply stop caring for someone you've been in love with for years? I don't see the reasoning behind it. Can't we all just work things out? 

Sometimes I feel like.... if their relationship is gonna fail after 4-5 years, then what's going to happen to mine? 

Somehow, I would like to think that what I have with my boyfriend is different. We don't just have a relationship. We have a connection, co-dependancy, friendship, trust, and most importantly - we have determination. We are determined to make things work. I mean, aren't breakups simply a lack of determination? Any disagreement, no matter how big, can be worked out.... right? If you are not determined to work it out, you break up.

I don't claim to be an expert on this subject. God knows how many times I screwed up. I hope it's enough to say that this time around, I am determined not to screw up. I'm in a good place now. For once in my life, I finally feel like I've done something good. I don't know what I would ever do if this went away.

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
- Dr. Seuss

Had the most awesome Bali summer holiday with the love of my life!

Last Sunday, my boyfriend finally graduated from university! He has worked hard this past 2 years. Harder than anyone. He slogged day and night making sure that his work was always the best. Yet at the same time, never forgot to spend time with me. He went through financial hardships and powered through. And now, he's a degree holder!

And not only that. Not only did he graduate with flying colours, he was his school's valedictorian! Words cannot express how proud I am of him! He has worked hard and he deserves it! His valedictorian speech was so inspiring and left me in tears. 

And with that, now he moves on to another phase in life! In fact, we move on together. Now we work together to build our future! And there is so much our future holds. I can't wait till we get there. 

Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me

As a kid, we outgrow shoes, clothes, toys, even food. Something that once felt so dear to us suddenly becomes redundant. The old makes way for the new. I have come to realise that as adults, it really isn't all that different. Except this time, we outgrow people. And relationships. 

A revelation that came to me some weeks back cannot stop rippling through my head. There's a level of toxicity in maintaining hard-to-reach friendships. I guess we do outgrow each other. I think it's really no one's fault. Time changes us. What helped us to click some 10 years back may not even be relevant now. So what do you do? Hold on and hope for the best? Or do you let nature take it's course? 

I'm starting to understand that holding on to something so utterly helpless just makes you self-conscious and miserable. Though you would've thought that I would've figured that out a long time ago. What can I say? Old habits die hard. 

I'm not sad or anything. I've become very numb. And I think that's what time does to you. I'm glad I rode it out though. At least I know I tried. I don't feel empty or the least bit of regret. If anything, I'm not upset our friendship is dying. I'm just upset because you're not doing anything to save it. At this point, I'm done trying. If you still want me in your life, let me know. Otherwise.... bye. 

Yet on the other hand, there are some things that are out of your hand. How lucky we would be if we held the final key to every relationship. In some cases, you get to close the door. In other cases, you have the door slammed in your face. And that is the one I cannot take. That tears me apart. The fact that I ruined something so dear to me, and now I can never have back.

Losing someone you trusted all your secrets with is like losing an arm. So here I am. Armless. 

It's been a good 3 years since we had a decent conversation. I feel like I don't even remember who you are. Though that is possibly true. After all, we've both changed tremendously. We once promised to be at each other's wedding, no matter the circumstances. Somehow that seems unlikely to happen now. What have I done? 

You're happy now. Possibly happier than you have ever been. And I'm happy for you. You deserve it. I just have a tiny bit of hope that whatever hate that was there before has now turned into a somewhat happy sigh. After all, weren't we so childish and immature? Why does it matter now though? 

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry

At night I pray
That soon your face will fade away

In my life
He has burst like the music of angels
The light of the sun
And my life seems to stop
As if something is over
And something has scarcely begun.

In my life
There's been no one like him anywhere
Anywhere, where he is
If he asked 
I'd be his